


A Personal Crossroads

by Caketastrophe_cosplay



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Body Dysphoria, Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Problems, Genderfluid, Hurt/Comfort, Kisses, M/M, Multi, Soft Boyfriends Being Soft, hair cutting, personal struggles put down in words, soft, they cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-24 22:19:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17712689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caketastrophe_cosplay/pseuds/Caketastrophe_cosplay
Summary: Sometimes figuring out who you are can come at unexpected and unreasonable times. Often figuring out who you are is a timeless struggle. Mollymauk's fight with his gender identity is nothing new, but the burden is lessened by the support of his wonderful boyfriend.A personal exploration of gender fluidity and dysphoria late at night.





	A Personal Crossroads

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to Fern for editing this mess into something coherent. <3

Mollymauk stared at himself in the mirror and frowned. He was naked from head to toe except for the briefs he’d thrown on and it didn’t feel right. He heaved a sigh and rubbed his face liberally with his hands.

It made no sense; he had been fine yesterday. Hell, he’d been fine for almost an entire fucking month and now, he was having problems again. He’d been growing out his hair, loving the purple color of it to death, but now it felt… wrong.

The length was too long, the bangs were starting to come across too feminine, and honestly, the winged eyeliner wasn’t doing it for him. He pursed his lips and looked between the bathroom mirror and the shaving clippers that rested on the countertop. They were plugged in, but devoid of life.

He could do it. He could shave it all off. Start fresh; start with short hair. Fuck it, he could even go as far as going completely bald. He wondered what it would feel like to run his hands over hair that short on his head. Wondered, strangely, what his head shape even looked like under the waves of soft purple hair.

Mollymauk bit his lip as he gripped the counter and stared into his red eyes with his teeth clenched and his heart in his throat. He was torn, confused, even though he had been so happy about the slightly feminine edge his appearance had taken the week before. Thrilled, to the point of wearing a dress with a bra that showed off his cleavage.

And yet… Here he was, thinking about top surgery and shaving his head. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Caleb was asleep in the bed they shared, unaware of his internal break down. Caleb had complimented his red dress last week, had said his legs looked sexy when they were shaved. Had run his fingers through his hair and pulled on it slightly as they kissed.

Maybe Caleb liked him better this way. Maybe the world liked him better this way.

No. Fuck that. This wasn’t about the world. This was about him. Mollymauk motherfucking Tealeaf. He was genderqueer, nonbinary, whatever the fuck he was. He wasn’t female but he certainly wasn’t male either and that was fine. It was fine. He was allowed to be in an in-between state, that was just absolutely fine.

He inhaled for eight seconds and exhaled for ten.

If he wanted to shave part of his head or cut his hair to shoulder length again he was perfectly within his rights to do so. He could change it up however he wanted; maybe he was going through a more masculine phase again. That was fine.

Molly reached up and started to parse through the strands of his hair. He brushed it all to the left side, then combed out a section along the side. Molly was careful to make the line along the side of his head as clean as possible. He tied off the rest in a tight bun, making sure it would stay up and out of the way.

With a deep breath, he gripped a handful of the hair he had been growing out for over a year and snipped the majority of it off with the silver scissors in his hand. He held his breath as the purple curls fell to the floor. He waited for a negative reaction.

The relief was a pleasant surprise. He exhaled slowly.

Knowing this was a good step now, he trimmed the rest of it down and set the scissors on the table. Alright: step one done. He grabbed the clippers and turned them on, wincing slightly at the loud buzzing. He hoped that Caleb wouldn’t wake from the noise.

Quickly, he set to work with the level two length extension on the clippers as he went to the side of his head. He was no amateur to shaving his own hair, or others’. Beau frequently had him touch up her undercut, for free, because she was too lazy to go to a salon.

He’d just never done it at two in the morning after waking up in a cold sweat in his own bed. That was new.

Molly worked carefully around his pointed ear and felt the excess pieces of hair fall around the sink and to the tiled bathroom floor. It only took a few minutes, but it felt like ages before the buzzing stopped and he was setting the clippers down onto the vanity again.

There, in the mirror, he saw the side of his head, now, shaved down to about a centimeter of hair. He reached up into the cabinet and grabbed some of the makeup wipes that he kept there. He quickly wiped everything that he’d left on his face from the previous day off. The eyeliner had to go, of course; it was too much right now. He cleaned his face thoroughly, splashing it with water and patting it dry with a towel.

When he looked back in the mirror, he couldn’t help but frown a little. The makeup was gone but his face still screamed feminine.

Fuck. It was two in the goddamn morning. What the fuck was he doing? He had work tomorrow at nine. He needed to be sleeping.

Molly turned around and slid down the counter to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest. He felt tears well up in his eyes and he fought them down. He was fine… He was absolutely fine. Tomorrow he would wear a binder and pull out the baggy jeans he hadn’t worn in a while. The heels could go back in the closet for a time, and if he really needed to, later, maybe Beau would be able to shave the other side of his head for him. 

 

He was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to hear the bathroom door swing open with a creak as he sat on the floor, surrounded by his own purple locks of hair. He nearly hit his head on the cabinets when Caleb spoke.

 

“Mollymauk? What are you doing up?” 

His head shot up and he saw a very tired,still half-asleep Caleb. He was visibly fighting back a yawn as he shielded his blue eyes from the bright bathroom light. It took him a moment, but he eventually noticed the hair everywhere on the bathroom floor.

“A-Are you cutting your hair?”

Molly nodded slowly from where he sat, hunched over. He reached up and self-consciously ran his fingers over the shaved side of his head. He couldn’t find the words to speak about what he was feeling. He barely had the guts to think it through at the moment, and that was internal. Verbally admitting he was struggling with himself… that was hard.

He half expected Caleb to get frustrated and leave him there. It was two in the fucking morning; he would have been frustrated with himself, if he were in Caleb’s shoes. Probably a little angry at the state of the bathroom, even.

What he didn’t expect was for Caleb to shuffle into the bathroom, fully in his boxers and bathrobe, and settle himself down on the edge of the tub across from Molly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” His voice was gentle and his accent was thick with sleep and Molly hated how nice it felt to hear it, how the sound of those rounded vowels and the concern he could feel in them made the barely-held-back tears slip from his eyes without his permission.

Molly wiped desperately under his eyes and choked on a sob as it bubbled up in his chest.

“Oh, _Liebling_. Come here.” Caleb was kneeling on the tiling and holding his arms out in time for Molly to lunge forward and bury his face into his bare chest, sobbing gently. He felt like a fool, crying in their bathroom for seemingly no reason at all at two in the morning. There was no mistaking that soft scent that screamed comfort and safety in his brain. The warm arms that tightened around him and reminded him that he was loved. A selfish part of him was glad Caleb had woken up. That he wasn’t alone in this terrifying and confusing moment.

“It’s okay, Schatz. It’s okay. It will be fine.” Caleb was murmuring soft words in Common and stroking his hair softly. Molly noticed that he made a point to rub his thumb over the recently shaved side of his head again and again and he squeezed Caleb tightly in response.

“I-I’m sorry.” Molly choked out the apology and felt the arms around his shoulder tighten. He pressed on, regardless. “W-We should be sleeping. I woke you up and I’m being s-stupid.” He hiccupped and wiped furiously at his eyes to try to stop the tears and, oh gods, if he kept this up, soon there would be snot leaking from his nose, and that certainly wasn’t attractive or nice in any way. Fuck.

“Mollymauk.” 

Molly sniffled and kept his eyes and chin down until Caleb pulled his chin up with gentle fingers. “Darling, keep your chin up, look at me.” He did, slowly sliding his gaze up to meet Caleb’s piercing blue eyes.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Mollymauk. You are hurting, and I am glad I woke up, because I want to be here for you. When you are ready, you can tell me what is bothering you. Until then, just relax and tell me how I can help.” He smiled softly, and Molly felt his heart shatter at how wonderful, how sweet, this man could be to someone as strange and messed up as himself.

Molly nodded silently and buried his face into Caleb’s neck as he sniffled and tried to keep from getting any grosser while he cried softly. It was difficult and took time, but his heart rate slowed down, his tears came to an end, and, after blowing his nose in the most unsightly and ugly way possible, he felt better. Fractionally so, but it was a start.

They’d settled against the edge of the tub, with Molly tucked against Caleb’s chest while the man gently stroked his fingers through his hair and sang softly to him in Zemnian.

“I, uh… I woke up feeling wrong. I don’t know why or how, I just-” He drew a shuddering breath and tugged at his hair. “I’ve been growing my hair out for so long, but I just felt wrong, like I wasn’t queer enough with it long like this.” He laughed at how stupid it sounded out loud, but it was a bitter and sad laugh. 

“It sounds stupid; I just felt like not me anymore and I didn’t know what to do about it. It took so long to grow my hair back out and I just reintroduced dresses into my wardrobe and now I’m thinking about pulling out my baggy jeans again-“ he was rambling, and getting himself worked up again.

Caleb gently kissed his shoulder and up his neck as he wrapped his arms tightly around him again.

“So you are feeling more masculine?” Caleb put it so simply, so plainly, and Molly almost sobbed again at the natural turn of the phrase. He nodded mutely and clutched at the soft arms around his chest. He wished his arms had hair like Caleb’s, gods, he loved all of Caleb, but a deeper part of him was jealous of him.

“Yeah. I just… I don’t know. It feels wrong now, and it didn’t feel like that at all yesterday or two weeks ago.” 

Caleb chuckled behind him. Molly frowned. “Don’t laugh, this is serious.”

“Ja, I know, I’m sorry. It is serious, but it seems like you are over complicating it, don’t you think? You are feeling more masculine, and you are genderfluid, right?” He was rocking him gently now. It was nice.

“I mean, genderqueer and genderfluid, I suppose. I don’t know.” He heaved a sigh, letting his head drop back against his boyfriend's shoulder.

“Then dress more masculinely tomorrow. If you need help cutting off some more of your hair, let me know. You can wear one of my shirts, if you want to? Whatever makes you comfortable tomorrow, wear it, and if you’re still confused we can spend our lunch break playing dress-up until you find something that feels right. How does that sound?”

Molly wanted to cry again, but out of relief. It sounded so fucking nice. He wanted to wear one of Caleb’s shirts with his binder and some stupidly ridiculous pair of pants that probably didn’t match anything. He could contour his face a little more and make his eyebrows thicker, see how he felt.

“I… That sounds nice. I would like that.” He sniffled one last time and leaned his head back to kiss Caleb’s jaw softly.

“Alright. Then we should crawl back into bed. We can clean all this tomorrow, but honestly, my eyes are starting to close and I would like not to wake up tomorrow on the bathroom floor.” Caleb was grinning. 

It was contagious. Molly found himself bubbling with laughter as he squeezed the arms around him one last time and fought to get to his feet.

“Ja ja, sounds nice.” He looked around at the purple hair and bit his lip. “Sorry about the mess…”

Caleb just shook his head and got to his feet slowly.

“It is not a big deal, Mollymauk. Besides, I like the shaved side. That is, if you like it, of course.” He ran his fingers over the new haircut and leaned in to press his lips ever so gently to it. 

Molly melted in his embrace. “I don’t know what good thing I ever did, to have you in my life.” He felt the lips against his head stretch into a smile.

“You are a good thing, Molly. That is more than enough to have me here.” 

Warmth spread through Molly at Caleb’s words . He leaned in to his touches. They wandered back to bed, and Caleb folded him up in his arms under the covers, stroking his back softly until they both drifted off to sleep.

Mollymauk dreamed of feeling loved and of being whoever the fuck he wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this little short story. This is as personal as my writing gets friends. I originally wrote this on a Friday night around three in the morning in the lobby of a convention hotel. I couldn't sleep, and I felt very alone, plagued by thoughts very similar to Molly's. There is no right answer to these kinds of questions, you have to find your own path day by day. Only you can be the best you. Shortly after writing this i was able to fall asleep and went to the convention that will forever hold a wonderful place in my heart the next day. The lows often come right before the highs.
> 
> Feel free to comment with your own experiences and as always I hope you have a wonderful day and find light and peace between any struggles that may find you. <3


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